stopthatNOW

stop saying “CIAO”

unless you are italian, as in LIVING in italy, or speaking to someone whos PRIMARY language is italian, because in those TWO cases you are forgiven.

HOWEVER, if you are reading this blog, odds are against that. like lindsay lohan and her battle against not being an utter failure.

saying ciao is not cute. you just ate a hamburger and youre drinking a diet coke. you’re obviously american…it doesnt make you worldly that you say things like BONJOUR!! it makes people confused…especially when/if people actually respond in their native tongue and all your friends realize you’re a fake who googled “how to say hi in other languages” and has never actually been to florence.

so just stop. or dont. either way you’re an idiot

Stop calling me names…

If you wanna tell me I’m a fucking idiot and a dumbass and a whore…fine. Be my guest. Odds are a. you’re right and b. you are too…if not worse

If we are going to town in bed and being all sorts of fun, name calling is probably right up my alley.

BUT DON’T YOU DARE EVER CALL ME:
-hun
-sweetie
-sweetie pie
-sweets
-lovely

Or the worst of all—BABE! Especially if you’re a girl. You will be bitch slapped so hard you won’t know what hit you. Mainly because you will be unconscious.

My mom calls me by my name. Because I’m an adult and should referred to as such. So I’m sorry, Hardee’s drive thru attendant/demeaning coworker/oversized black bank teller, you can refrain from the terms of endearment and just call me by my first name. Which for the record is NOT ‘hun’!!!

stop flirting with me, construction men

things that would get me fired:

sitting at my 7th floor desk by my window watching gorgeous male specimens walk into the 5th ave Diesel store below me and, instead of the innocent pining i would normally do in my head, opening my window and yelling “hey you sexy piece of ass, why dont you come over here and i can show you what a real woman is like!!!!!!”

see that would definitely get me fired. on the spot, if not sooner. i’m sorry all day you have to look at potholes and trash and your fat as fuck coworkers and that a sexy lady walking by is the highlight of your day. i get that. but you hootin and hollerin at me is not gonna get me into your ‘strong arms’ any sooner than if you were to ask me politely…mainly because and i’m probably on my way to get a sandwich and you remind me of my creepy uncle.

Nickelback

mother of god im on my knees on this one…please, no. i wish you would have stopped it when you should have…before you began

stop using spotify

jenna just listened to coldplay

jenna just listened to dave matthews

jenna just listened to adele

jenna just listened to amy winehouse

jenna just listened to glee cast

jenna just listened to defying gravity

jenna just listened to rent

jenna just listened to idina menzel “brave”

jenna just listened to “stronger” by kelly clarkson

jenna just listened to britney spears

jenna just listened to britney spears

jenna just listened to britney spears

jenna just listened to britney spears

jenna just listened to miley cyrus

dear god i fucking get it. you have bad taste in music, you’re depressed and now you’re dancing around your apartment in your underwear to tell yourself that everything is okay and you are STRONG. but you’re not okay because you are BROADCASTING this on facebook, craving attention and proving to your ex lover that you are groveling their loss. if i wanted to know what you were listening to, or cared about you as a person, i would come over to your house and help you get laid.

but then maybe you wouldnt be using spotify because you would have an actual human FRIEND. so the fact that you are using it tells you…what, exactly? think about that one and STOPITNOW

stop wearing camo shorts

• worse than crocs
• worse than tommy bahama
• worse than enrique iglesius’ closet
• worse than all of the bradys outfits put together (hair included)
• worse than anything that ties all the way up the side of your leg, with no underwear on
• worse than those kanye sunglasses that serve no fucking purpose than to separate you from the other douchebags of the world

i dont care if youre fishing, hunting, camping, or shopping at walmart—stop it the fuck now. camo shirts/shorts are good for painting your walls and wrapping breakables while moving and THATS IT. outside of these 2 instances, the only shooting i would be doing in a camo shirt, would be into my head because i have let down not only myself, but every person who had to endure the pain of looking at it.

stop !!!!!!!!!111111111111

ok.

did you seriously get so excited that your middle finger pressing the shift button accidently released too soon and you pushed all those 1’s? Fine. I pray to God you got mad at yourself for it and didnt let it happen again

OR did you, like your other brainless friends, sleep through ENG100 and you actually think that numerous number 1’s PROVES you are truly excited? You’re right. I didnt believe you before the 1’s.

Scene: Facebook chat.

• Candy: HEY!!!!
• Jen: what, so now you’re like mad at me?

Scene 2: Also, Facebook chat (NOTE: you can’t use the 1’s in day to day dialogue…like with your voice)

• Candy: HEY!!!!!!!!!111111111111
• Jen: OMG I MISS YOU TOO BETCH

just go away. both of you. its worse than the 1999 version: !~!~!~!~!~!

or is it?

either way…stopthatNOW

lets get this straight

im not a terrible person.

i’m just simply not gonna tell myself these dumb lies all you other typical mind probes of the ‘free world’ decide to believe that you are “kind hearted” and you “do unto others as you” blah dee blah blah blah.

im gonna hash out some venting/priceless advice on here and tell all of you seriously deranged and vapid people that you need to stop being such douchebags and start being a little more like someone i can actually stand to hear speak more than one sentence. oh and a shower wouldnt hurt

it will be a slow and steady process. but this is my attempt at making the world a better place. and unlike the atkins diet where people thought they could actually survive without carbohydrates that were created in order to help your body survive for more than a week, i think i got a shot at this working.